I am an AFTER trapped inside the body of a BEFORE

Lies I have told myself:

• I don't eat too poorly.
• I don't eat THAT much.
• I don't look that bad.
• I will start on that tomorrow.
• I am healthy (enough).
• I don't need to lose that much.
• This is just my weight/size...better get used to it.
• I will eat better when school is out.

Oh! But wait! Last night I told myself that I would "start on that tomorrow" and here I am.  (A truth!! Yay!) 

This is a picture of me shortly after I told myself that truth (I was in a hotel room...at a conference.  It was late, and I was wearing my p.j.'s with no make up.)

Yup.  That is me.  I decided to take a public (sort of) leap and make myself accountable for those lies.  I hopped out of that less than comfy hotel bed and took this picture.  The next morning(today!) (with clothes and make-up on) I took this BEFORE picture (note to self: maybe wear more make-up....I kind of look exactly like I did when I was lounging in bed 7 hours earlier):

This was my last day at the four day conference.  I weighed myself and the scale said (gulp.) 190lbs.  I am wearing a (snug!) size 14 shorts (with a control top panel) and a (snug enough to highlight my muffin-top created by said control top panel, thank you very much) large top.  My shoe size is also ridiculous but I hold out much less hope in my ability to change that.  One thing at a time.

I was trying to eat consciously while I was away from home but I had no control over what was being served and no control (period) when they put deeeeeeelicous things like this in front of me:

I found a website that is amazeballs.  You may have already discovered it, but it is a new and wonderful love to me.  www.skinnytaste.com (ST) has a crap ton (that is a metric weight) of do-able recipes that look deeeelish and are low in calories.  To make up for lost (though enjoyed!) eating I made a low-cal dinner tonight.  It was really kind of nice to have home cooking (even mine!) after having four days of buffet food.  I made a chicken thigh, artichoke, and feta dish from ST.

Results: my stomach AND mouth were very, very pleased!  This is what I served...this is actually MY food, MY picture, MY dinner:

I have got to say that I am feeling pretty pleased with myself right now.  This is the beginning of my journey toward my AFTER.  I  want to lose 45 pounds.  I guess I never really did the math.  It would take me 45 pounds to get down to 145lbs.  I always told (lied to!) myself and said that I would look hot with a mere 20 pound loss and promptly never did anything (consistently) toward that.

I want to not fret so much (at all maybe?) about how I look in pictures (the ones that I even agree to be in).  My profile picture for instance...I know what you are thinking...you think I look darn good, and I do...in THAT picture.  It was taken last week, so it is very current, but I had to have decent lighting and a verrrrrrrrry orchestrated angle.  Even the outfit was specific.  My shoulders are bared because that seems to be the only part of me that isn't A) covered with a layer of blubber, or B) drooping. 

This picture is more like my reality, taken moments before the glamour shot that is now my profile pic:

Oh good golly.  This is bad.  Bad lighting.  Bad angle.  Bad, bad chin(s). Good motivation. :)